


Sad ASCII Boyfriend

by PercyByssheShelley



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Gen, Implied Relationships, No Plot/Plotless, No Spoilers, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 08:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1016332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PercyByssheShelley/pseuds/PercyByssheShelley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: <i>It's been raining hard for three solid days and doesn't appear to be stopping soon.  Runners are starting to get cabin fever.</i></p><p>A day in the life of a stir crazy Abel Township. There's a travelling picture of Simon in a cardigan, blanket forts and a screening of <i>Casablanca</i> in dorm room eight (pass it on)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sad ASCII Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> For Ris of http://selfmetonomy.tumblr.com/
> 
> I'm confident that this is spoiler free, although if you're between the season one finale and season two side mission one, the presence of some characters is inherently a spoiler. Please let me know if I've missed any other spoilers that need tagging.

“Did you get the new shift schedule for next week?” Simon asked. He shrugged on the cardigan she’d handed him. 

“Mmhm,” Jody said, raising the digital camera to snap a picture of him. Assuming that the rain was ever going to ease off, she would be making fuel runs all week. 

“Guess who was scheduled to make a trip to the tequila factory.” He put his hands to his hips and pushed his chest forward, dropping his chin to flash a cheesecake grin. 

She rolled her eyes but took another picture any way. “You?” 

He stripped the cardigan off and grabbed a knitted hat from the table. “Me, go on the mission that always ends with the runner being invited to grab a sombrero and sink a few drinks? No, I’m doing food runs like the other plebs.” 

“Five gets sent on those missions because she knows how to deal with them. They have that rotating leadership structure,” Jody argued. She leaned forward and adjusted the hat so that it was tipped over his right eye. 

“Did you get that from one of Jenny’s mission reports? Letting whoever is the most sober at any given time make all the decisions is not a ‘rotating leadership structure’. And she gets sent on those missions because Sam is in charge of the mission scheduling.” 

“You think he plays favourites?” She sorted through the pile of knitted goods she still had to photograph, and pulled out a lime green headset cosy. 

“I know he plays favourites. Have you been on a mission with the two of them lately? Oh, that’s my Five. Well done Five. Simon, can you please attract the attention of all those zombies and lead them away from Fiiiiiive? He’s the Phil Coulson to her Captain America. Do you think if I had sex with Sam he’d make me the golden child for a while?”

“They’re not sleeping together,” she said, arranging a scarf around his neck. “Just tell them that you want to go on the mission.” 

“But my way is so much more fun.” He posed for one more picture, then folded the scarf up. “Hey, you want to come to dorm room eight? I heard they have karaoke.”

Jody tried to look excited at the prospect of watching Simon pour his heart into _Winner Takes It All_. “Maybe later. I have to talk to Rajit.”

…

The Abel Township writer’s circle was seated at a table on the far side of the mess hall, engaged in a heated argument. They fell silent when Jody approached. 

“I have the pictures,” she said, putting the camera on the table in front of Rajit. 

“We still have a deal?” he asked. 

“Yes. I’ll beta read three chapters for every picture you render in ASCII art.” She was going to spend the rest of the day circling epithets and scrawling ‘lady parts DON’T WORK THAT WAY’ in margins, but it would be worth it. ROFLnet still wasn't ready to handle actual pictures, so if she wanted to trade her knitwear outside of Abel, she needed his help. 

The argument picked up again immediately as she walked off. 

“All I’m saying is that if the author is dead and all known copies of the book have been destroyed, it’s not plagiarism to try to recreate it. It’s a public service,” Elizabeth said. 

“Exactly. Like that band in New Canton that’s recording missing songs,” Ian said.

Rajit glared at him. He’d considered it a coup, having a real live professional writer sitting in with their little group while the rain had him trapped in Abel. Especially considering that Eugene always had other plans whenever he invited him to join. But not if he was going to sit there being completely wrong. “But that band isn't trying to claim they wrote the songs,” he said, slapping the table with his open palm.

“But writing is fundamentally different from performing a song. With a song you learn it, you play it, the end. With a story the reader destroys and recreates the book with every reread. If an author does the same, they’re entitled to credit,” Ian argued. 

“That made no sense," Rajit shouted. 

"I think it was profound," Elizabeth said, smiling across the table at Ian. He beamed back, and Rajit saw the writing on the wall. 

"Fine. Meeting adjourned," he said, shoving his chair back. He had to go give the camera to Ed Harrison anyway, since he didn't know a damn thing about ASCII art and Ed had agreed to do it in exchange for enough blankets and pillows to sleep a small army. 

...

"A blanket fort," Rajit said, staring at what had once been a corner of the electronics repair garage, but was now a maze of chairs pilfered from the mess hall draped with his precious linens. 

"Blanket palace," Ed corrected. 

"How old are you?" 

"It's for the kids. If you want adult entertainment, some of the runners are having a key party over in dorm room eight." 

"What's a key party?" Molly asked, poking her head through the gap between two towels. She was wearing a paper tiara. "Can we go?"

"It's a very boring thing that some adults do when they've been cooped up too long with too much tequila," Ed said, booping her nose. "You know what would be much more fun? Finding Auntie Five and asking her to read you a story."

"'Kay," Molly said with the expression of someone who knew she was being left out of something interesting. She disappeared back into the palace. 

Ed crawled in after her, and dug his laptop out of his bag to upload the pictures. 

“Is he gone?” a pile of crocheted throw pillows asked. 

“All clear.” 

The pile exploded as Eugene sat up. “Thanks. He’s a nice guy, but I’m running out of excuses for why I can’t go to his- What. Is. That?”  
Ed glanced at the laptop, where the most recently uploaded picture was on the screen. It was Simon flirting shamelessly with the camera, wearing a Ms. Frizzle-worthy cardigan. “I didn't ask,” he said. “I don’t need to know what Rajit’s into.” 

“Jack,” Eugene yelled. “Runner Five found a cache of printer cartridges during her latest supply run, right? The last one before the rain set in?” 

“Yeah,” Jack yelled back from somewhere deep within the palace. “They’re in the ‘Junk We Don’t Actually Need’ cupboard in the Comms shack.”  
…

Maxine was at the Comms desk reading through a folder that she flipped closed and shoved under a pile of paperwork when she noticed Eugene shaking off his umbrella behind her. 

“I’m surprised you’re not at the Demons and Darkness pick-up game in dorm room eight,” he said, wandering over to the computer that was hooked up to Abel’s one, rarely used, printer. 

“If there’s a D&D game going on there, why did Evan hail me on the radio twenty minutes ago to invite me to the luau in dorm room eight?” 

“No idea,” Eugene said, connecting the camera to the USB cable sitting on the desk. He didn't know anything about how Runners 15, 16 and 19 were having to answer their door every fifteen minutes to people who were there for life drawing classes, or the Harry Potter LARP, or the piñata. He certainly didn't know anything about a burning need for revenge after three days spent fielding prank calls on air from runners who were climbing the walls from boredom. 

He collected his printing and made his escape before she could ask any more questions that an upstanding man like himself couldn't possibly know the answer to, stopping to hold the door for Sam on his way out. 

“I ran into Runner 3 outside, and I swear he was hitting on me,” Sam said, pulling up a chair. 

“You sure he wasn't just being Simon?” Maxine asked. 

“Hey, I get hit on plenty, I know what it looks like.” He drummed his fingers on his knee, staring out the window at the rain that was still sheeting down. “I can’t wait for this to clear up.” 

“You know that you don’t have to wait for missions, right? If you miss her, you could just go talk to her. You could even use the radio if that makes you more comfortable.” Maxine flipped a switch. “Come in Runner Five.” 

After a moment Runner Five’s head cam switched on, and the screen of Maxine’s computer filled with a semi-circle of wide eyed children, staring straight at them. 

Sam leaned over and smacked her hand away from the radio controls. “Sorry Five, Maxine’s hand slipped.” He cut the feed from his end. “Don’t you have anything better to do than to meddle in my love life? Not that we have a love life. Not that I’m saying that I don’t love her, because I do, just in the sense that we have a job to do and we do it well together and she’s a mission critical resource.” 

“Aw, you should put that in your wedding vows. And no, I don’t have anything to do. My research is at a dead end until we can do field testing and no missions means no injured runners. Us all being cooped up together will probably result in some nasty bugs, but nothing has hit yet.” 

“Well, I heard that there’s a Twister tournament going on in dorm room eight, so you probably have a few broken noses and twisted ankles to look forward to.” 

They had apparently reached the stage of cabin fever where everything was hilarious, because this made Maxine dissolve into a fit of giggles so hard she was left gasping for breath. 

He left her to it, struggling to shake off the suspicion that he was being made fun of. He stopped by his pigeon hole on the way out of the Comms shack, where there was a carefully folded message waiting for him. Probably another runner making the case for why they needed to go on the next drinks run. 

It was a photograph of Runner Three, smoldering at him wearing some kind of cardigan and a grin worthy of a WW2 era pin up. 

“I don’t even want to know,” Sam muttered, balling it up and tossing it in the nearest bin.
    
    
    ..............................``````````...````..`````````...............,,,..........................................................
    ..............................``````````..`````..````````..........,,....,,,:,,.......................................................
    ...........................`.```````````..`````.`````.````.......,::,''';;:;::,,......................................................
    ..........................`````````````````````.````.`..`.`......:,:';';'';:';,,......................................................
    ...........................`````````````.```````````````......,,,;;:+;:;+';;;;:,.,....................................................
    .........................`.````````````..``````````..``.......,::';;';++++'';;',,.,...................................................
    .........................````````````````````````...........,,,;'#+###++####++;:,..,..................................................
    ........................```````````````````````..`...,...,.,,:;#####+#####+++++':,,...................................................
    ........................```````````````.``````........:,,::'#####@#####+####+++###++,.................................................
    ........................````````````````.```..,..,...,:;;;+#########+###+#########+',.................................................
    ........................``````````````````..`......,::;;''###@###+########@@###+####;:,,..............................................
    ........................`````````````````.........,,;:;'+######@########@@@@####@###+,.,..............................................
    ......................````````````````````....,:.,,;,;##+######@#########@@@#++#####+',.,.............................................
    ......................`.``````````````````...,::;,:;;+######@###@@#@####@#@+#++#####'+,.,.............................................
    ......................````````````````````.::.,::;;;'+######@#@@#######+############+#+;;,............................................
    ......................```````````````````.:,,.:::,:;+###+##############+#@#@#####@##+#++;:............................................
    .......................````````````````.:,.,..,:::;+####+###@###@@#######@#@###+#@@####'+,,...........................................
    .......................````````````````,,,.,.:,:;'#+++#++##++########++###@@###++#####+++':...........................................
    .......................````````````````.,::,,.,:'+##'#+#+++++###@###+#++#########@###++'++:::..,......................................
    ........................`.`````````````..::...,;+#+++###+++++#######+#''+#@@####@@#@#+#+++#:,,,,......................................
    ..........................``````````````......::+#+++++++''++###+###++;;'+#@####@@@#####++++;':.......................................
    ..........................```````````````.,,,:'+++###+++''+'++##@@#++';::;+@@##@@@@##+##+++++++'......................................
    ............................````````````.,,.::;;+####+++';+'''#####+;:::::;'++#@@@###+####+#+'+'......................................
    ............................````````````.:,':.:;'##+#+#'';;;;;##@##+;::::::;++#####+###+#++++':'......................................
    ............................````````````.::,.,;'####+##';;:;:;+###@#:;;::::;'+###++#####++++#';;......................................
    .............................```````````,.,,,,:#######+';;::::;'###+'+++';::;++#####+++++++++:';......................................
    .............................```````````.,,..,:+######'':::,:,,,;;'+#+';::;;;++#####+++###'@#''.......................................
    .............................``````````````.:::'##+##+''::,,,,,::;'';:::,,::;'++###+++#+++###',;,.....................................
    .............................````````````..,,,;+++#+#+';;,,,,,,,,:;:;';;::::;;'+##++#+#+++#@#+:;;;:...................................
    ............................`.```````````...,.;####+##';'+++':,,,,,;'''@'';;;;;+#++++#+++###++;';,,,..................................
    .............................```````````````.:+#+#####'##++'';,...,;;,:';,::::;'#''+++##+##+++::,,::..................................
    ............................````````````````.,###+####++'::;+',,..,;::,:,,,,::;'++'+++#+###+++,,::,;:,................................
    ............................`````````````````'###++#+#+';;:'++:,,,,:::,,,,,,:;;'+'++#######+##:,,:,,:;................................
    ...........................``````````````````:+##++###';';##';,,,,,,,,,,,,,.,,:;+;'+#####@##+++,,.:,..................................
    ...........................``````````````````.:;++###@;;'',;;;:,,,.,,,,,,,...:,,+;'+++#@#@#####:,,:,.,................................
    ...........................`````````````````...,++###@;:;;::::,,,,,..,,,,,,..',:+:'++#####+#@#+;,,,:,,................................
    ..........................``````````````````..'''#@###':::,,,,,,,,,,.,,,,.,,,,':,,;'+#######@++;,,,,..................................
    ..........................`````````````````.`.,;'#@##@#,,,,,,,,,,..,,,,,...,,,..,:;;+#+#####@#+:,,....................................
    ..........................``````````````````,,:+'####@@:,,,,,,,......,:,.....,,.,:;''#++##+###+;,,....................................
    ........................`.```````````````````:,'+++@@@#;,,,,,.,,,,+#,,,,......,::;;+'++###'++#';,,....................................
    ........................``````````````````````,';'+#@##+,,,,..,;,,:::,,,,,....:;;;'++####++++'',,...`.................................
    .......................```````````````````````.':+##@@##,,,,,,,:;:'+';::::,.,,;''''++#####'+'',,......................................
    ......................``.`````````````````````.':'+#@###:,,,,,,:+++##++'';:,,:;++'++++####++'';,.`....................................
    ......................`````````````````````````;:+#@@###',,,,,,'#####+'+++';:;'+++++++#####+'',..``...................................
    ......................````````````````````````..+#######+::,,,;####'::::'+++:;'+++++''#####++';,..`...................................
    .....................`````````````````````````.,;'###@+##;:,,;+#+;;:;+;;:'+#'''++#+''+####+##',,..`...................................
    .....................`.```````````````````````..;';##+'##+;,:++;;'+';::,::+#+'+'+#';;'##+#++;,.,```...................................
    .......................``````````````````````.`..##@#;:##+';;'+'';::,,:::;+##++'+++;;'##+@+';.,.````..................................
    ......................```````````````````````.`.:.+::#;+##+'''+;:::;''';:'#+#+++++';;;@####+,,.`````..................................
    ......................```````````````````````.``..,;`,'####+'+#:;;'++''''####++#+';;;:@###+:..``````..................................
    ......................``````````````````` ```.``````,`'####++##;:;+++#+'+####+++++';;,###+'.``...`....................................
    ......................````````````````````````.``````,########@+;'+##+++#####+#+++';,,##++'.```..`....................................
    ......................````````````````````````````````'##########+'+++++######+++':,,.+''';.`.`.......................................
    .....................`````````````````````````````` ``,;'+########++##+#+######+';:,..'#'::``.`.......................................
    ....................``````````````````````````````````.`,,;:#########++#+###+##+;:,,..,:+;`````.......................................
    ....................``````````````````````````````````..`.`.;##@#####'#+#+#+##+;;,,...,...`````.......................................
    ....................```````````````````````````` ``` ``````,#+##########++#+##';,,....:`.```````......................................
    ....................```````````````````````````` ````````:'#':'##########+###':,,,....:'````````.....................................`
    ..................`.`````````````````````````````````:'+#'#++::;#####+####+++:,,,.....;++````````...................................``
    ..................`.````````````````````````````.:'+++++#++##;:::'##+####+';:,,,......;##',.```....................................``.
    ....................``````````````````````.,:;'+++++####+#####,,:::;'''';::,,,,,......'+##;+;```...................................``.
    ....................``````````````````.'++++++####+###+#+####@:,,,::::::::,,,,........+###'+';```..................................`..
    ....................```````````````.;'++#+++++###+#++++#+#####:,,,,,,:::,,,,,,........####+'++:`......................................
    ....................``````````````,++++##+++++++++++#++#+####' ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,........,####+'+++;,.....................................
    ...................``````````````;+++++++++++++++++#++#+'+###,  `,,,,,,,,,,..........;##+++'#+'''':...................................
    ...................````````````.;+++++'++++++++''++'++++#;'##.    `,,,,,,,...........+#;''+'##++'++':.................................
    ..................```````````..'++++''++++++++''''''++#'#;'#+`       .,,,...........,+#;'''+++++++''';................................
    ..................```````````.'+++++''++++++++;'';+'++#'+;'#+          `............;+#;;+'#+++++''''':...............................
    ..................`````````..++++'';'+++'''++''''''+'+#+''+#'                       `+#;:;'+''++++++''';..............................
    .................``````````.++++'';:'+''''''''''++++++#+;;+#;                       `##:'''+';'+++++++''',............................
    ..................`.``````.'+++';;:;''''''+'++++++++++++';'#:                       ,##:;+'++':''++++#+++':...........................
    ..................`.``````++++'';'''++++##############++'''#:                      `;#+:'+++'';;;''++++++++;..........................
    ..................`````..;+++';';'+#####+'''''''''''#+'+;';#,                      `+#+;+'++;'';+;'''''+''''',.,......................
    .....................``.,+++';;';##+;;';;''''''''''''+'+'+##.                      .###'';#+;:;;';;'''''++'''',,......................
    ....................``..++';';'+#+';'''''''''''''''''+'##+##:`                    `:###+;;+##;;::;;:;''''+++++',......................
    .......................'+';:''+#'';;''''+''''''''''''+'#####:,,,,,..`             `+####''''+#+::;;;::';'''+++'',.,...................
    ......................;++''''#+;''+'''''''';;;;:;;'''#'#####;,,.....,,::,.``      .#####'+'''''++'';;''::''+''+';,....................
    ......................++;:''#';;'+'''''';'''':,,::'''#'#####;:,,,,,.....,,,,,:,.``;####+'#;'+'';;'+##+'';:'''++++:,...................
    .....................'+';;+#'''+'''';;:;'''':,,,,,'''#'###+#;:,,,::,,,:,,,,,,...,:#####+':;''';'';;;'+#';;';'''''',...................
    ....................''''''#''++'+';:::,''''',,,,:::''#'##+##;,:,....,,,,,:,,,,,..;####+'+,,:''''''';;;;+#'':;''''+'...................
    ...................;;;+''+''+''+;,::::,''''';,,,;::''#'##'#+;,.,........,,,,,,,,:+###'+'+,,;,:;'';''';'';++':;''+'':..................
    ...................;;'+'''''+'+'::::,::'''':;,,:::,;;#'##'##;....:,,.,...,......:###;''+';,:::,,,:';'';'';'';:'''''+,.................
    ..................,;;'+'+'''++:::::::::'''':,;'';:,,:#'##'##;...,,,.,,.:,,,,,...;#+;'+'+;;;,;::::;:;';';'';#':';'+'';.................
    ..................:''+++'''++,;::':;;;;'''::;';''::,:#'##;##:...,,,..:,,,,,,,..,+#;;;+'';;:,,::'';;;:;''''''+'':'''''.................
    ..................;''''#''';::;::;';;;;;';':;;''',';:#'##;##:....,,,...,,,,,,..:#';;#'+:,,,,,:::;;;;;,'';'';++':;'''';................
    ................,;'''+#'';'';:;:';;;;;;;;'';;''';;'''#'#+;+#:...,,,,,,,,,,,,,.,'#:;+#;',,,,,,::,,:;;;,''';';;#;;:''''',...............
    ................+''''''';''+:;:+';;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;:#'#+;+#,....,,,,,,,,,,,,.:#+;+#+':,,,,,:::,,::;;,:+;';;';+':''''';...............
    ...............:++''+'';';'+':;;'';,'+,;';;;;;;;;;;;;+'#';+#,......,,,,,,,,,.:'#';+#'+:,,,,,::,,,,:;;:,:';''';+'';:''''...............
    ...............;#++++'';''+#+;;'+'''++'+':;';;;;;;;;'#'#;:+#;,.,,.,,,,,,,,,..:##+;#+'+;;:,,,:,,,,,;;;;,::''''';++;:'''',.............,
    ..............,;++#++'';''+#+';'+;;';;+'''''::'+::'';#'+:;##:..,,,,,,,,,,,,.,;##'+#'+';;:::::,,,,,::,:,:,,''''''#'::;'';.............,
    .............:;;'#@#++';'++#'''+':;'''+';';'''''';''+#''+;##:..,:,:,,,,,,,,.:+##;##'+:;;;:;;;:,,,,;,,,,,,,:';'';+'':::''............,,
    ............,;;;'+##+#'''+##''''+#;;;;;;;;';'';;'';:'#''#;##:...,..,,:,:,,.,:###+#+'+;:';;;;;::,,,;,,,,,,,,;''+;;#;::;:':,.....,....,,
    ...........,;;;;'+++##''++#+''::#;;;;''';;;;;'''';''+#;+#;##:....,.,:,,,::,,'#####'#'''+;,;;;;;:,,::,,:,:,,,'''';+';:;,';......,,.,,,,
    ...........::;';;'++##+''+#+;+'#'''''++';;;;;;;;;:;;;#'+#'##:..,:,.,,,,,,,::#####+'#'+:;';;';;::::,:,,,;'',;,''';'+:'::;'....,.,..,,,,
    ..........,;;;;';;+++#+'+#+';+#'#'++++++'';;;;;;::;;;#'#####:...,,,,::::,:;'#####'+;;;;'''+':;;:::;:;,,''+,:,:''+;+';:::':.....,.,,,,,
    ..........;;;';';;;'+++'++++,+;+#+++#+++'''''''''''''#'#####;...:,,,:.,,,:;+####+'+;::;;;+:+;:;;;:;;::;;'+:,,,''''++;::;;,.,,,...,,,,,
    .........,++;'''';'''#+'+'#++'++#++#+++'+'''@#++#'#@+#'#####'.....,:,,:::;:###'#'+##+;;:;;';'++;:;:;;:;:;;::,,,''+;#'::'::.,.,,,,,,,,,
    ........,'#+';''''';'+''++'#'+'##+#++#+'#''##@#++###@#'#####',,....,.,::;;+#+;'#'#+###+;;;;'+;'':,';:::;;;''',,''+''#;;':;.,,,,,,,,,,,
    ........:''#+';'''';'++;++'+;+'@#'++'++'+''###+##++##@'##++#':.....,,,,:;;##;'#''+#+#++#';;:'':'++',:;;;;;;'+,,:'+';'+':;;.,,,,,,,,,,,
    .......,+##+'+'';''';'+''++'+;+@@##++'''+++####+#++##@'+#''#':,,,,,,,:;;;'#';;#'#+###++###;:;;'+';';:;;;;;;;'::,''+'''#;;;.,,,,,,,,,,,
    .......'++#++'++;;'+''+''+++;'#@#+++#######+'+''''''++''#;'#'::.,,,,:;;::##;;#+'####+'#####;;;;;';;'#,:';;;;;::,,'''''''':,,,,,,,,,,,,
    .......+++##++++++;+'''''+++'+#@@++''+'''++'+'''+''''+'';;'#+;::,,,,,,:,;#+;;#'###@#++##+###';:;;'+;;#+;;;:;;;,,,:'+''''';:,,,,,,,,,,,
    .....,.;;'+##+##++''''+'+#+++#@@#++'+++++++'+++++##++#'+;;'#''::::,,,,,,#+;;;+'++#####+#####++:';;;';:+;,':;;;+;,,''++'';';,,,,,,,,,,,
    .......:;;;+@+#+##+++++++#+++#@@@#++#+++++#++#++###+##'+';'#+':,:::,:,,;#;;+;'+'''+########++#+';;;:+;;#+';;;;'+,,:'+''''+',,,,,,,,,,,
    ......,,:;;;+#+#++##+++++##++#@@##+##+##++##++++##++#++++;'#+.':,,:::::##;+#''###++++######+##'++';:;#+:+;,;;;;+:,:''''''#+,,,,,,,,,,,
    ......:::;;;;##+####+++++@#++#@@##+#++++#+#++#++###+##++';;#+..::,,:::;##+##++##++#+++'+###+##''#++;;+#+;+,;:;;'':;''''+'#;,,,,,,,,,,.
    ......,::;;;;'##++#@##++#@+++#@@+++##++###@#++''++++'++'#''##..`,:,::,######'+;''####+''''+####+++++''##+'#';;';;;'''+@+++':,,,,,,,,,.
    ......:;;;;;;;;@+##@###'+@##+#@#;'++++####+++''+++''+'#'+;+##,,` `,;;+#####++;;''''#++++''''+#+#+#++++##+';+,:'''''''#@#''':,,,,,,,,,.
    .....,'''+''';;;#@@######@###@@;;'+#####++'';;'+++++''#'#+###',,` ``.######'#;;';;;;'++#++''''##+#+++#@@++;':''';+''++#+'';:,,,,,,,,,.
    .....:'''++++++';#@#@###@#+#@@#;'++##+'++'';;'''#+++''#'#####,`:..:,:##+##++'++'';;;':;#'+''''''+#####@@+'+;#''';+'+#'''':;:,,,,,,,,,.
    ..,,,;''''++++++#++#@@#@@###'.;'+####+''+'';;''##+'';'#'#####,:,``:.##'+##'#;;''''+''';;+##+''''''+##@@@+';';::''''+++';:;;:,,,,,,,,..
    ,,,,,';;;'+++++######@@@@'#;..;++##@#+'++'';'+##+''';'#'#####:,,``;:##'#+++';'''';;;;''+';#+'+'''''++@@@#;;+;+;+''+'';:;;:;:,,,,,,,,..
    ,,,,,;:;:'''''++++##@@@@@#.....++'###''+'';''#++'''';;#'#####,.``,;##;+++'#+++';;;';;;:::;;'+##'''''#@@@@';;+'+++'';;;;:;;;;:,,,,,,,..
    ,,,.,;;::';'''''+++#@@@@@+........;++'+''';'+++'';'';'#'+#'##,.`..'#';;'++#++##+++'';;;;;++++##++#''#@@@#+''''''''';;;;;;';::,,,,,,,..
    ,,,.:;;;;;''''''+++###@@@+........,#++''+''++++;;'''''+'##'##:,.`.#+;;+#'#''+######'+##+'+#+#@+'##''+@@@#+'''+'++';;;;;':':;:,,,,,,...
    ,,,,;'';;'''''''++++##@@@;,.......:##++++'''''''''''''+'+#;##;:.`'#;;+#++''+++++++++++++++'''++####++@@@@#+#+'+++;;;;';';;;';,,,,,,...
    ,,,,;'';;;;'''''+++####@+,........+##+++++;';'''''';''+++#;'#+:..#+;+##'#'''''''+++''''''''''#''#+#+#@@@##+@+++#+''''+'';;+'',,,,,....
    ,,,,++''''''''''+++++##+,,.......,###++++++';;';''';';+++#+;##;.+#'+##'+'''';;;;;;''';;;;;;;;#+'@####@@@#+##++#+'++++#+;;+#+;,,,,,....
    ,,,,'+#';''''';;;''+#@@',........+####'#'#+++';';';'++++'#+'##':##'###'#;''';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;@''#@+##@@@#+#+++#++++++'';####'',,,,...,
    ,,,,;;'#+;;;;;;'+#####@#,,......,+####+#@''#+++++++++++#'#;;+@'##+###'#''+''';;;;;;;;;;:;;;;'#+'#+##@@@@@@+++###+++''''##+++++,,,,..,,
    ,,,,;;;'##+#+++++##@@#@#:,,.....:'####+++###++++++######'#;;#@+##+##++#;'+''';;;;;;;;;';;;;;'##+#++@@@@###++##@##+'''+#+'+++#+,,,.,,,,
    ,,,,:;;;;+#####++###@@@#;,....,,;;''####++++++++++++'';#'#;'@###+###'#';++'''';;;:;;;;'';;;;'#####+#@@@##+++@##+''+###++#####+,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,;;;'++##+##++##@@@#,,,...,,::;;+#####++##++++####+#'#''@##+###++#;;#+''''''';;;'''''''''######@@@##+++#@@@##++'''''''';'',,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,;;;++++++##########,,,..,,.:''::'##+########++++++#'+++#######'#+';+##+++++'''''''''''+;++@#+#@@####++@@#+';;;::::::;;;;:,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,;+++++++#########;,,,..,,,:;';;;+#++##+#+++###++##+++#######++@++;;+###++++++'''++'''+'+#@@:+@@###++@@+''';';';;:,;:;;;:,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,'++++#+++++#++'+#,,,,,,.,,:+#+';:'''+++++##++##++#+++#######'###+++;+###++#++''+++++++++#@#,,,,;###@@#'++++'++'';,,:::;:,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,:+++++#+++++++##',,,,,,,,,,+##+';;;::;;'+++#+##'+#++###+###'##+'##++;''#+###++++++++#+#####,,,,,,,+###++#+++##+++;:::;;;,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,'++++########@##,,,,,,,,,:+++++;';:;:::;;'++##++#++######+'###+'+#+++'''''#+#+++#####+###+,,,,,,,+@@@@##@#@##@###+'+++'',,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,'+######@###++@@#,,,,,,,,:'+''+'';:;;;:;;;;'::;;++##@####+##++####@+++++''''++##++#++##++',,,,,,,'########+++++++++++++;,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,:+#+'++++++#++##@,,,,,,,,'''+'++':''';;;'+';;;;;#+###+##++###+++####++++++++####+##+###;':,,,,,,,'#####++++';'''+'++++',,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,+++++++++#@@#+##;,.,,,,,+;';''++'''';';'';;;;''@+###'+++++'#+++++++++++##+'''########+;':,,,,,,####'+++++';;;;;''';;;',,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,'+++++#++++++###;,,,,,,,';';;'+##++';+;';:;;;'+#+###;;+'##+##+++#####+++#####+#####+;:'#,,,,,,;#####''++'';;;;;;;;';',,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,'++++++++;+''###+,,,,,,,'''''++++#####';::;;+'#+###+;'+'#:'#########+###++++++####';;;##,,,,,,#######''+'''';'''''''',,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,'++++'::;;;';+@#+,,,,,,,';'''++++++####+++'+###+###';'+++;;;++++#+#####+########+;;;:'#+,,,,,:########+;'++'';';;;'';,,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,'':;:;;:';;+++#@+,,,,,,,''''''++++++##++#######+###';#++':;::;+#+#####@########;:;;;;#+;,,,,,:##########';+''';;;;;',,,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,;+;'::'::''++###:,,,,,,,''''++'+++''++++###+++++###''#'#;:;;;:;:::;+;;'+++####;;;;;;;++,,,,,,:############';''';'';;,,,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,:'';;:'''''''+'+;,,,,,,;+'+'''+++++'''+'++++'#+#####+++#++::;:;:;::;;'';;#+##;:'';;'+'+,,,,,,,##+++''+++++##+;;''';:,,,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,:;;''';''''':+###,,,,,+++'+#+;;''++''''''+###@+######'+###+;::;;;:::;;;';;;;;;:;;;'+++',,,,,,,:##'''''';;''++++'';;;,,,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,;+''''''+'+++#++#;,,,+##+#++##++''+++++##@@###+#######+#+###+';::::;:;;;;;;;;';;'+#++#;,,,,,,,,;###'''''''';+++++++',,,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,:''''''+::#++#@@@:,,:##+'##########+++##@@##+#+######++#+'+###';;;;;:;;::;;;;++'+#+'##;,,,,,,,:+###+';+'++++++++#++;,,,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,,;''+:'#++'++++#+,,,'#+'++#########+++##@+#++#+######+##+'++#####+'';;;'+++'#####+'+##;,,,,,,,++++##+;;;;'+++##++'+:,,,,,,,,::
    :,,,,,,,,,:;#++''#+++##@+,,,+';;+++#######++++#@#++##@#######+####'+++#######++####'+#+++'++##:,,:,,,;++++###'''''';'++'''+,,,,,,,,:::
    ,,,,,,,,,,:';+++''''++##+,,,+';;++++##+##+++++#@+++'+######+#+##@##+'+++++#####++++'+++''##+##,,,,,,,'###++#####+++++'+'''',,,,,,,,,::
    ,,,,,,,,,::'+'''''++@##@#,,,;;;''+++###++''++#@#++++######+++###@##++#+''++++++++++'++###+++#+,,,::::+'###''###@#++++++++';:,,,,,,,:::
    ,,,,,,,::::''''++####@@@@:,,,';;'+++##+++'++##@#+#######@##@+############################+++#:,,,:::;++++';+'+##@##+++++++';,,,,,,,:::
    ::::::::::'++'++++@@@@@@@#,,,';';+#+##++''++#@@#####@##@####+#+'''##+##########+#####+++'++##,,,,,:::++++''';;#######+++++';,,,,,,::::
    ::::::::::;#+####@@@@@@@@@#,,';;'++++@####+#@@@#####@##+####+#''#++########++++'#++''++++#@@;,,,,,:::+#++'+;;'''+#######+++,,,,,,:::::
    :::::::::::+###@##@@@@@@@@@#,;;++'+#+#@###@@@@@###+#@##'+##+##+###+#+';'+##+''++++#++####+##,,,,,:,;+'#++''''+;;+;+##+::::,,,,,:::::::
    ::::::::::::+@@##@@#@@@@@@@@;;'+++++++@###@@@@######@##+'+@+##+++###+'#@+###+'+++#######++#+,,,,,:++'++;'+''';:';:';+:,:,,,,,,,,::::::
    :::::::::::,;##@@#@#@#@@@@@@@';+++'++++###@@@####+####@#'@#+@##@@###++++@####++##++++++++++',,,,,+##+'+'#++';';':;':;::,,,,,,,,,::::::
    :::::::::::::###@#@@@@@@@@@@##++++++++++##@######+#@####+##+@#@@@@@@#+##@@###+++++++++#+###:,,,,,####+'+;+:'''';'';;;:::,,,,,,,:::::::
    :::::::::::::@#@##@#@#@@@@#+#@':++';#++++++++++###@@##@@###+@@#+'++++#+++++++++##++++#####+,,,,,,'####+'++'+++'''';;':::,,,,,,::::::::
    :::::::::::::#@@###@@#@@@+'+#@++#++''###++++++++#@#@###@#@#+@+'++++++++++++####+#@#####+;+':,,,,,:#@###+''''#:++''+';::,,,,,,:::::::::
    :::::::::::::###@#######;;''+@''+;+'++####++++++++#@###@@####++#+###++'+++##++#'++##+;';;++:,,,,:+#@@@#+#''+'++++++';:::,,,,:,::::::::
    :::::::::::::@######@#;::;;'+#''++#+++++###+++++##@#####+#####+++++++++++++''+++'''';;';;++',,,,:@@@@@##+#''+'+';'+::::::,,,::::::::::
    :::::::::::::+@@@#@#;::::;;''++++'#;+'++''';'+++#######++@+#####''''++#+;';'+++;;';;;;';++@#,,,,#@@@@@@##++';'+++;:::::::,,:::::::::::
    :::::::::::::;###'::::::::;;'+###+++#+'++'';;++##+##@####@+@;';;'''+##+';;''''+';;'+#++++++#,:,+@@@@@@@@###+';'++:::::::,,,:::::::::::
    :::::::::::::::;;::::::::;;;''+##+++#;+''''';+'+##@#@@@@##+#'';;;;'+##++;;;;;;'';;'''+++##+#::;@@#@@@@@@@@#++'''::::::::::,:::::::::::
    ::::::::::::::::;;::::::;;;;;;'+@#+++'#++'';;#'#@@@#@@@#@++#+';';'+'#++++'';;;;';;'+++++###+::@@@@@@@@@@@@##++';::::::::::::::::::::::
    ::::::::::::::::;;::;::;;;;;;:;;+#++++#;'++++#@#@#@##@#@@#+#+';';';+'''+++;;;;;;''+++###+##';#@#@@@@@@@@@@@@@#'#;:::::::::::::::::::::
    :::::::::::::::,;;;;;;;;;;;;;::;;+##+++++##'+@#+@###@###@##@+';';;':;;;;++;;;;;;'+'+'#;##@++''@@@@@#@@@@@@@@@@+#':::::::::::::::::::::
    :::::::::::::::::;'';;;;;;;'+;;;;'##++##########+##@#@@@@#+@#+++;';;;:;;'';;;';'++++'#####+''''@@@@@@#@@#@@@:+@@::::::::::::::::::::::
    :::::::::::::::::';+;;;';;;;@@;;;''+@###########+##@#@####+@+#+++++''''';''';+++#''##'##@#'''';+@@@@@@@@@@#;::;;::::::::::::::::::::::
    :::::::::::::::::'''';;+;;;;+@#;;;;'###############@#@##@#+@+++++#++++++'''+++#;+#++++##@+';;;;;'@#@@@@@@##:::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    :::::::::::::::::;;+;;:';:::;@@@';:;;#@@@@@##@@#@@#@#@+####@@@@####+##++#++#+'#++++++'+#@';;;;;;;'@@@@@@@#::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    :::::::::::::::::;'++;;;+;:;;+@@@;:;;;@@@@@@@@#@@##@@#++###@@@@@@#++#+#+'++'+#+++++'++#@+;;;;;;;;'+#@@##@;::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    ::::::::::::::::::'+#;''#';;;'@@@@';;;'@@@@@@@@@@##@@#@@@##@@@@@@@#'''++'++++++''+++#@@@';;;;;;;;''+#@#@#:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    ::::::::::::::::::'+#''+#+;;;'#@@@@';:;#@@@@@@@@##@@@@@@@##@@@@@@@@#####+'''''++'##@@@@+';;;;;;;;;''+##@':::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    :::::::::::::::::::'+:'+##+;;;'@@@@@+::'@@@@@@@@##@@@@@@@##@@@@@@@@@#@@@@@######@#@@@@#';;;:;;;;;;'''++;:::::::::::::::::::::::::::;::
    ::::::::::::::::::::::'+##+;;;;##@@@@+:@@@@@@@@@####@##@@##@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#@@@@@@@+';;;;;;;;;;'''';:::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;:::
    :::::::::::::::::::::::+##+;;;;+'+@@@@@#@@@@@@@@###@@#@@@##@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@+';;;;;;;;';'''';;::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;::
    :::::::::::::::::::::::'+#'';;;'+;'#@@@@@@@@@@@@###@#@#@@##@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@+'''';;';;;'';''';:::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;::
    :::::::::::::::::::::::;''';';;;#;'''#@@@@@@@@@@###@@#@#@+#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@+;''''''';;';;'''';:::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;;;::
    ::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;';'';+';;;;'+#@@@@@@@+#@####+@+#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#;;;'+'';;'';';;''+:::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;;;;;;;:
    ::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;';''''';;;;;;;;''++#@##@##+'+#+#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#@@@#;;;;+''''''''''''';:::::;:;;::;::;:;;;:;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    :::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;';';;:;';'';;;;;;;;;';'+''++#+###@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#+#';;;'+'''+++';'';''::::::;;:;;:;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    ::::;::::;:::::::::::;;;';'';'':;;;;;'';';;;;;';;;''''#:+@###@@@@@@@@@@@###+'''+';'''#+''+#++++++'';::::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::
    :::;;::;:;::::::::;;;;;;;;;';;;;';;;:;;;;;'';;;';;''''+'##++++++++++#+++'''';''+;;''##+''+'''++;'+'::::;:;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::
    :::::::::;;::::::;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;';;;'''';+#+''+'''';'+++'';;';''+;;;'###'++++''';;'+';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::
    ::;:;;;;;;;;::::;;;:;;'';;';:;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;''';+++''''+';'+++'''';';;'';''+##++++#+++';''+;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    ::;;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;:;;;''';;';;;;;;;;;;;;;'';;;;;;;:;''''''+'+'';'+++++'';;;''+;''++@@++#;#+++;;+++;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    ::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;;;';';;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'''''+'+';'++++++'';';;;'';'''##@##;;'+;::;+#';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    :::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;;;';;;;;;;;;:;:;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';'+'+'++'++++++''''''';;':'''++#++;;;;:::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    :;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'';;;;;;;:;;;;;;;;:;;;;;';'+;+'++''+'++++''';;;;;#'';;'+++;;;;;;::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'';;;;;;;;;;;'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';'+'++#+'+''##+'''''';;';;:'''''+;;;;;;:;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'';;;;;;;;;;;;;''';;;;;;;;;;;;;;'++''++++++'+++##+++'';';;;;;';;'''';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
    ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;''';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'''';;;;;;;';'+#''++++##+'+++##+++'''''''';;;''''';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
    ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'''''';';;';;;;;;;;'''''''';''++#@'+#+@@@#+++++#+++''';;;;;;;;'';;'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
    ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;''''''';;;'''''';'''''''++'++####@#@@@@@##++++##+++''';;';;;'';'''';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:
    ;;;;;;;:;;;;;;;;;;';'''';;;;'';'''''''''''+'+++++##@@@######+++###++++'''';;;'';''''';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
    ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;'''''''''''''''''''++'+++++#+++##@+@#####++++###++''''''''';''''''':;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::
    ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:::'''''''';;''''''''''++++++++++++#,:+####+++++###++++''';';;;'';'''':;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::
    

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a lazy pun on the tumblr Sad Etsy Boyfriend, which was also the source of the picture used as the basis for the ASCII art: http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0lmo541Ub1qhlsr9o1_400.jpg
> 
> I used http://picascii.com/ to render the ASCII art, so I can neither claim credit nor accept responsibility. 
> 
> Molly and Ed are from season one mission four, A Lost Child. I think I may have aged her up a little- I have trouble pegging how old children are supposed to be in this game. Ian Golightly is from season two side mission seven, Times New Roaming. Rajit is from the Zombies, Run! 5k. Elizabeth is an OC.


End file.
